It's been a while...

I can think of so many things I could write about since I've taken such an extreme sabbatical from writing anything in this blog, which most people rarely do very consistently I've noticed. I could talk about the past year of my life and the dramatic and drastic turns it has taken. I could talk about some random theological topic. I could talk about some Bible verse that spoke to me this week. I could talk about some sermon I heard that made me break down and cry because it so resonated with my soul. But I’ll just try and convey what my current state is, perhaps just in the past few minutes.

I’m just really tired. Sometimes I just get really tired—tired of nothing. Sometimes I just get tired of feeling like there is nothing to plan, to think about, to write. Sometimes I feel like God is just silent in my life. Sometimes I feel like I have absolutely no plan in life, like my life is going nowhere. But they’re really just feelings, because my life is going somewhere currently. I’m getting married pretty soon (in February), and I am intensely excited about it. I know it’s God’s blessing in my life, and I thank him all the time for Emily. But sometimes, intellectual knowledge just doesn’t seem to be enough for me. I currently live away from her, and so much of my time is spent on the phone or writing instant messages and emails to her. It’s like I have a relationship with computers and phones. I’m really tired of it. But I don’t want to sound like I’m just finding things to whine about, since perhaps so many wish they had what I have, a beautiful woman to anticipate being with. But no sane person would ever aspire to a long-distance relationship. No one would ever aspire to a weekend emotional rollercoaster from the mountain of initial giddiness of seeing her on Friday night to the leveling off of Saturday afternoon routine, to the valley of Sunday sorrow upon leaving her or watching her drive away. It’s taking a toll on me, and my soul is worn-out.

But this isn’t really what I wanted to talk about. What I wanted to talk about is…I’m tired of feeling like my life is in limbo, in a sort of constant pause-mode. Not only is this illustrated by the intangible space I live in of engagement to marriage, it’s indicative of the intangibility I feel oftentimes in the life of my soul. Sometimes I feel like my soul has no solid ground to stand on, like I’m just a mind floating around in the space of human philosophy, where I have to lean on my own understanding of this world and just “do the best I can” with my mind and wading through the ever-deepening ocean of humanity’s agenda, through the filth and temptation, through the religion and speculation. I’m sick of this feeling. It feels like God is absent, like I’m a blind man trying to find a jungle path with no one to guide me but other blind men. And the memories in my life where I know I’ve felt the hand of God leading me are wonderful to think upon, but for some reason are no help to me when I get lost again. They can’t comfort my broken spirit because they are just memories. And cognitively I know that others feel this all the time, but for some reason intellectual knowledge doesn’t really help me much. Theology sometimes irritates me more when I itch from frustration, because I know only God can sooth. Only God can satisfy and fill the vacuum in my heart, as Blaise Pascal would say.

And it may be nice to hear affirmation and consolation from others, but it doesn’t help me find that distant hand of God. At least it doesn’t seem that way.

So this really has no point, other than to complain about being unsatisfied with life apart from God. And also to say that there is really never an end to the majesty of Jesus and his ever-deepening presence and influence in the life of a saint. We never reach the end of Him and say, “well I’m satisfied, I can move on to other things now.” God is eternal, and 5 years ago I could never imagine I’d be where I am today. And I’m sure 5 years from now I’ll look back and say, “wow, God has made a lot of progress with me.” But on this page of my life, it’s difficult to take my eyes off this line and out of the book and see the bigger story. It’s difficult to know God is there sometimes, that he is Emmanuel, God with us.

But he is, if we believe his promise. But that’s probably the most difficult thing in this world—to live with faith in God’s promise is something every Christian is challenged with as a corequisite to being on Earth. Abraham did it, but he also failed miserably at times. As did Jacob, and pretty much everyone in the Hall of Faith chapter of the book of Hebrews (11). Read Genesis and you’ll realize that these heroes of our faith were normal everyday people like all of us, but God is the one who did mighty things through them. Perhaps this is my consolation, that God will finish the work he began, and that he will make good on his promises to me, and to all of us that know him. But between the realm of heaven and the dust of Earth is a grand chasm only crossed by faith. Believing and residing in the chasm is a difficult and painful way of life. I currently feel defeated, but I know that feelings are fleeting, so I don’t put much stock in them. But thanks for listening anyhow.