Em

Sometimes I like to brag on my wife Emily. There are many things about her that have blessed me incredibly. This is a small list of some of my observations about her. They include:

Her loveliness. I've said it before but it bears repeating. She is distinctly stunning outwardly. But I mean more than just physically, everything that she stands for exudes a certain mysterious beauty that is unmistakable yet I can't grasp it. It's just who she is.

Her gentle spirit. It's that quality of meekness, like that of Jesus. She's not a loud mouth, but always conducts herself with appropriate behavior. It's a leadership quality, but it's a sort of subversive version compared to the world's definition of leadership. She does not shout it, she quietly goes about her business but with a strong dignified air that demands respect.

Her wisdom. I've heard wisdom described as knowing who to talk to, how to talk to them, what to say, and doing so with appropriate respect and prudent speech.

Her good counsel. She is one of those people you envy as your friend, and someone who has deep friendships. People can't help but notice what a good friend she is and it's obvious she is surrounded by a great group of people in her life that know her and speak into her life. I wish everyone would have and be a friend like her.

Her strong family. They are good people with good theology, not only in what they believe but also what they practice and what their characters point to. It shows where she is rooted.

Her mom. Her hospitality and her loving nature shows who Emily is patterned to be like, although one could make a good case that Emily is nothing at all like her mom.

Her knowledge of scripture and of who Jesus is. She knows her Bible and understands grace.

Her faithfulness and trust in God. It is obvious. She is who I think of when I think of Eugene Peterson's definition of discipleship as: "long obedience in the same direction." She doesn't stray much, and before I knew her, she was being faithful to her Lord for a long time.

Her purity of character. She is always consistent to who she is and what she stands for.

Her cuteness and playfulness. I laugh a lot when I'm around her and it's always enjoyable to be with her.

Her laugh. It's one of the best things I can think of.

Her singing. It's one of the sweetest things I've heard.

Her frugality and practicalness. She is tremendously practical and a good steward.

Her intelligence. I mean she went to Duke and has a master's degree. Her ability to multi-task amazes me.

Her responsibleness. She is absolutely dependable and does not slack a bit with her duties. She's a great employee.

Her good credit. It sounds silly but it's a tremendous blessing considering how big a problem this is in America. I found out how good it was when we bought a home together.

How she is always cold and likes me to warm her up. This is just fun.

I wish every unworthy dude like me the same things.

Past Few Years - Part 6 - My Wife

My series about reflecting on the past few years is dragging out a bit, but I didn't expect it to go by quickly. Perhaps it will be ongoing. It was supposed to be a methodical, deliberate way for me to recount on the most significant things that have happened in my life in recent years. And I tend to be slow in thought (deliberate as I like to say) so it is taking a while. Plus it's difficult to find enough time to actually be able to reflect and write about things since I'm so slow. But I wanted to provide a quick interim to write a little about the most important person in my life. This is supposed to be sort of the climax of my series here, since this is where much of what preceded culminates. But I feel anxious to get to the best part, so I will give a sneak peak if you will.

When I first started talking to Emily, I immediately was drawn to her beauty. Beauty not only outwardly (wow), but beauty inwardly and all around. She just exuded a sense of beauty; not only beauty but specifically purity. She carried herself with this air of goodness, like I knew and could tell just by being around her that God resided in her and she loved him with all her heart. This was not in arrogance or selfishness, but with confidence in who she was and a contentedness in her soul. It was as clear as day to notice it, yet I'm still mystified by it. I could instantly sense a difference between her and every girl I'd ever met, yet I could not put my finger quite on it.

Not to be overpoetic, as if all moments are dreamy with her, but all moments are real with her. She is practical, hardworking, and reliable. She is pleasant, hilarious, and a joy to be with. I don't deserve the love she has given me, and the willingness and desire she has to serve and minister to me. She is the sweetest blessing I have in my life. How many men could say they have a wife that wants to please them? I suspect this is a rarity in today's selfish and self-serving culture. "An excellent wife who can find?" She truly is far more precious than jewels. Not that I want jewels, but I suppose the point there for me is that she is worth far more than the ring I've given her. The ring is simply a symbol of her worth, yet she is worth far more.

Not only is she beautiful, but she is fun. She is my best friend, and I enjoy being with her more than anyone. She made me get on this slingshot thing at the State Fair that fires you up in the air with giant rubber bands and spins you around. If we would have died, we would have gone out together. It would have been a fun way to go out with her sitting next to me.

She knows Jesus better than I do, and she's been faithful to him better than I have. I know that before we met, she was being faithful to him and trusting him even in the hardest times of her life. She was patiently loving me before I even met her by guarding herself and entrusting her life to God and not to her feelings or her own selfish desires like so many of us, including me, do constantly.

I am a wretched dude. I don't deserve her. I don't deserve a wife or any blessings I have received. Too many times, I don't behave like I should or I turn from my responsibilities. But God has graced me in giving her to me because he has chose to do so in his love. God forbid I forget this fact that all of life is grace and that God is the giver of all things in Christ.

I pray that every man desiring a wife would have someone like my wife Emily. I pray that I would lead, serve and love her well her whole life. Far more to come. Thank you Jesus.

3 cheers for my wife!

I love Emily more than anything on this planet. She’s really cool, and hilarious, and cute. And beautiful J. Just in case you were wondering. More thoughts on this later…

I have a wife…crazy thought…

My Wife

I’ve known my wife Emily for almost a year now, and been married for about 3 months. It’s crazy. Sometimes it just kind of hits me like, “a girl sleeps in my bed now.” This girl I’ve known for a year is now going to be with me, virtually by my side the whole time, for the rest of my life. It’s hard to believe because it happened so fast, and I’m still getting used to the idea. Our dating relationship, which took place only on the weekends, seemed like one long vacation with timeouts for workweeks. It was hectic with plane rides, luggage, delayed flights, cancelled flights, late Friday nights getting in, early Monday mornings leaving (to the tune of 4:30am), airport food, and lots of emotional hellos and goodbyes. In retrospect, it was easily the best time of my life up to that point, as well as one of the most exhausting. Since then, things have settled down greatly since Fridays are no longer filled with rushing to the airport after work and anxiously waiting for the flight to land in Memphis (or whatever city we happened to be in). It’s also a great time now precisely because there’s no more of that! Ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything:

a time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;a time to kill, and a time to heal;a time to break down, and a time to build up;a time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn, and a time to dance;a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;a time to seek, and a time to lose;a time to keep, and a time to cast away;a time to tear, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;a time to love, and a time to hate;a time for war, and a time for peace. -3:2-8

And even though this verse was ripped off by a hippie band in the 60s, it still rings true. Life changes, a lot of times without your control, but each season has its good things, and each season is inhabited by God’s grace. On a graver and somewhat unrelated note, I’m reminded of the tragedy of Horatio Spafford, in which he lost his 4 daughters in a shipwreck. Despite the horror, he somehow managed to see God’s love and providence in any season of life no matter how horrible, and he penned these paradoxical words: When peace, like a river, attendeth my way/When sorrows like sea billows roll/Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say/It is well, it is well with my soul.

I wish I had that kind of faith.

Anyway, I’m enjoying being married to her. She is a wonderful gift from God and an answer to my prayers. It’s a good season.

It's been a while...

I can think of so many things I could write about since I've taken such an extreme sabbatical from writing anything in this blog, which most people rarely do very consistently I've noticed. I could talk about the past year of my life and the dramatic and drastic turns it has taken. I could talk about some random theological topic. I could talk about some Bible verse that spoke to me this week. I could talk about some sermon I heard that made me break down and cry because it so resonated with my soul. But I’ll just try and convey what my current state is, perhaps just in the past few minutes.

I’m just really tired. Sometimes I just get really tired—tired of nothing. Sometimes I just get tired of feeling like there is nothing to plan, to think about, to write. Sometimes I feel like God is just silent in my life. Sometimes I feel like I have absolutely no plan in life, like my life is going nowhere. But they’re really just feelings, because my life is going somewhere currently. I’m getting married pretty soon (in February), and I am intensely excited about it. I know it’s God’s blessing in my life, and I thank him all the time for Emily. But sometimes, intellectual knowledge just doesn’t seem to be enough for me. I currently live away from her, and so much of my time is spent on the phone or writing instant messages and emails to her. It’s like I have a relationship with computers and phones. I’m really tired of it. But I don’t want to sound like I’m just finding things to whine about, since perhaps so many wish they had what I have, a beautiful woman to anticipate being with. But no sane person would ever aspire to a long-distance relationship. No one would ever aspire to a weekend emotional rollercoaster from the mountain of initial giddiness of seeing her on Friday night to the leveling off of Saturday afternoon routine, to the valley of Sunday sorrow upon leaving her or watching her drive away. It’s taking a toll on me, and my soul is worn-out.

But this isn’t really what I wanted to talk about. What I wanted to talk about is…I’m tired of feeling like my life is in limbo, in a sort of constant pause-mode. Not only is this illustrated by the intangible space I live in of engagement to marriage, it’s indicative of the intangibility I feel oftentimes in the life of my soul. Sometimes I feel like my soul has no solid ground to stand on, like I’m just a mind floating around in the space of human philosophy, where I have to lean on my own understanding of this world and just “do the best I can” with my mind and wading through the ever-deepening ocean of humanity’s agenda, through the filth and temptation, through the religion and speculation. I’m sick of this feeling. It feels like God is absent, like I’m a blind man trying to find a jungle path with no one to guide me but other blind men. And the memories in my life where I know I’ve felt the hand of God leading me are wonderful to think upon, but for some reason are no help to me when I get lost again. They can’t comfort my broken spirit because they are just memories. And cognitively I know that others feel this all the time, but for some reason intellectual knowledge doesn’t really help me much. Theology sometimes irritates me more when I itch from frustration, because I know only God can sooth. Only God can satisfy and fill the vacuum in my heart, as Blaise Pascal would say.

And it may be nice to hear affirmation and consolation from others, but it doesn’t help me find that distant hand of God. At least it doesn’t seem that way.

So this really has no point, other than to complain about being unsatisfied with life apart from God. And also to say that there is really never an end to the majesty of Jesus and his ever-deepening presence and influence in the life of a saint. We never reach the end of Him and say, “well I’m satisfied, I can move on to other things now.” God is eternal, and 5 years ago I could never imagine I’d be where I am today. And I’m sure 5 years from now I’ll look back and say, “wow, God has made a lot of progress with me.” But on this page of my life, it’s difficult to take my eyes off this line and out of the book and see the bigger story. It’s difficult to know God is there sometimes, that he is Emmanuel, God with us.

But he is, if we believe his promise. But that’s probably the most difficult thing in this world—to live with faith in God’s promise is something every Christian is challenged with as a corequisite to being on Earth. Abraham did it, but he also failed miserably at times. As did Jacob, and pretty much everyone in the Hall of Faith chapter of the book of Hebrews (11). Read Genesis and you’ll realize that these heroes of our faith were normal everyday people like all of us, but God is the one who did mighty things through them. Perhaps this is my consolation, that God will finish the work he began, and that he will make good on his promises to me, and to all of us that know him. But between the realm of heaven and the dust of Earth is a grand chasm only crossed by faith. Believing and residing in the chasm is a difficult and painful way of life. I currently feel defeated, but I know that feelings are fleeting, so I don’t put much stock in them. But thanks for listening anyhow.